traumaqueen: (Default)

For most people out there, as of late, the world has become a scary and uncertain place. There is an onslaught of media imagery depicting empty store shelves and crowded beaches, with frantic headlines that call out a contradiction of end times and ignoble flag-waving defiance in the face of Covid 19.

Many 9 to 5 office jobs have left their cubicles to relocate to the confines of home, with once suited employees now attending digital boardroom meetings in boxers from their respective couches. Many more, however, no longer have a job to speak of.

Kids are out of school indefinitely, no graduation to commemorate the milestone of achievement. Weddings and funerals alike, have been postponed with nebulous promises of 'we'll gather together, someday soon.' Some think in self-regarded outrage as local governments, one by one, shut down each state with the call to shelter in place. Others, in fear, panic buy and horde commodities in numbers that would otherwise serve whole communities. 

Spain gives a standing ovation each night for its medical and first responders; Italy raises its voice in songs that sound across vacant streets. China writes poems to its neighbors across the sea.

Americans fist-fight over toilet paper, and call over 13,000 deaths a hoax. Or worse.

"Screw your Nana! I do what I want!" Every man for himself.

This is America.

Social distancing has also brought us a new wave of joggers and bloggers and makers and doers and thinkers, which comes with every new era of innovation and change. Our proverbial rock has been overturned; we are seeing the bugs scatter to the dark corners of what is perceived as 'known safety,' while tender shoots of green are peeking through the soil, seeing light for the very first time.

Friends, both close and distant, are checking in with each other before grocery runs. Strangers are offering to deliver necessities to those too immobile or compromised to venture out for themselves. Businesses all over are adapting their facilities, their services, their operating hours, to better help the communities they serve during this time of collective crisis. 

I believe this is how we rescue and reclaim our own humanity from the capitalist's bottom line.

The truth is, as a people, we are so much more than the fearful and suspicious nation I see in the news, huddled within our borders while pointing fingers at everyone else; there are so many helpers out there who deserve standing ovations and songs. However, we've accepted ignorance as information in 140 characters or less, and allowed apprehension to promenade as confident declarations of "Fake news!" for so long, how does one find the breath--the will--to continue the argument that Earth is round, or that science is real?

Like many of you, I've been down in this darkness for some time, with social media serving as my only 'real' window to the outside world. Oftentimes, it has served as my only means for socialization. I've used it to stay connected to far away friends and family. It's provided me a writing platform to be heard from when the grief became too heavy after my daughter died. And truth be told, I've made many meaningful friendships through social media that remain important to me today. 

Like all things, though, much of the familiar landscape has changed. In an effort to stay informed, I've become lost to the noise that slants facts and interchanges them with opinions. Even after my attempts to follow and post only reputable sources, there is no escaping the self-entitled need to weigh in with expert armchair positioning--and, yes--I know am just as guilty of this, as others are, assuredly. After all, if not me, who will put into check the people who are woefully-willfully-wrongfully sharing misinformation on Facebook? Won't someone please think of the seniors who don't fact-check anything?!

*sigh*

Who the hell put me (or anyone else for that matter) in charge of correcting the masses anyway? Who offered me that job, and why did I ever accept it?

Then again, I suppose the road to hell is paved with the golden bricks of 'good intentions,' and like anything else, when misused, social media can (and has) become a harmful tool to exploit and manipulate, completely turning it away from its design to inform and connect people. As a result, it seems we've been victimized by our own inability to unplug, as well as our own erroneous beliefs that we know better than to fall victim to it.

I'm as much a fool for thinking myself above any of it.

Over the last four years--and without taking away any validity from anyone genuinely feeling these things--I've noticed that friends' posts have grown frantic, angry, and skeptical. In turn, I've grown more cynical, mistrustful, and stagnant in my way of thinking, and interacting with others online. More and more, social media has become a source of great stress and anxiety, and less of a pleasurable past time. More often than not, I find myself in a near constant 'fight or flight,' and as a survivor of abuse and complex trauma, it can be near impossible at times to deescalate those very real feelings. While emotional exhaustion and a need to conserve some measure of peace has me deleting comments rather than responding--somehow--and without detecting the shift (until recently,) I have managed to slip into a version of an 'us vs. them' mentality. Once upon a time, it felt like a conversation with different viewpoints. Now, no one bothers to even read the article before insisting that you're wrong. 

It feels hostile. These are supposed to be my friends. But now, the world seems colored with the words I read, and I can barely discern the differences between well meaning and malicious, informative or exploitative, kindness or excessive cruelty. There's a lot of either to go around on social media and in real life; one requires genuine investment, with the other bearing indifferent arrogance. 

Each requires a choice. 

With the world slowing down, perhaps it will be enough to catch our breaths to remember that we still have one.

Maybe, we'll come to realize that we're all unsure, and scared of the unknown, and remember to see the best in each other, instead of expecting the worst. That we are all on the same side of humanity.

Perhaps then, we will come together and everyone will hear us sing.

 

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March 2020

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